It's all about me...

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Friday, April 28, 2006


Seems lately I haven't had much of interest to say but I feel if I don't post that I'll neglect this bitch completely and I'm sure none of us want that so I'll just go on ahead and post some meaningless bullshit yet again.

  • This morning on the way to work I saw an elderly man in his bathrobe wandering the streets. It kind of makes me wonder where he was headed because there is literally nothing but farmland on that particular road. It also makes me think of my Grandma who is suffering from Alzheimers and I have to think someone should be paying a little more attention to Grandad.
  • There are always two little boys who are waiting for the bus by a church I pass and they are never dressed appropriately. For instance, on a rainy day one of the boys was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, nary a jacket or umbrella to be found. Today the other boy was wearing a polo shirt that must belong to his father. I kind of have to question where those kids' mothers are. I'll sure miss them when I have to take a new route to work.
  • Yesterday my friend got fired from an amazing job because he thought he could get away with looking at X-rated websites on his work computer. Now, I'm no rocket scientist but that is just one thing I would never be caught doing. A little booby never hurt anybody but I can generally wait until after quitting time each day to get my fill. And I'd like to point out that my place of business has officially blocked my access to myspace which kind of makes me giggle because I never thought of that as a place for sexual deviancy per se.
  • If I hear another person discussing why more people vote for American Idol contestants than they vote in presidential elections I may puke. First of all, I don't think you have to be 18 or an American citizen to dial a phone. And I'm pretty sure freed convicted felons, who can't vote for our president, can dial a number to say if they like Chris more than Katherine. And let us not forget to take into account that one person can vote many times on A.I. but you can only vote once for G-Dubya. That's all I'm saying. Come on, people.
  • Why are collect calls from jail like $4 for a minute and then like a buck for each additional? Should families/friends of inmates really have their wallets punished because they have a loved one incarcerated?

I think that's all I've got in me for now. Maybe I'll be enlightened later in the day and hop back on to knock your socks off but all of that seems pretty unlikely. I will, however, take this opportunity to recommend the book In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. This book has kept me enraptured for many days now and will probably keep me entertained for the remainder of my Friday here at work. Clearly my inspiration for reading this was the movie Capote but his words are so beautiful and eloquently written you can't helped but be charmed by them. Even when describing something as tedious as a murder investigation and horrific as how a murder impacted a small town in Kansas, Capote can tap into emotions and sentiments like no other author I can think of. And because it was written in the 1960s there is an entirely different dialect than today that makes me kind of yearn for more innocent times. Yah, that sounds corny but when you read it you'll understand.

TGIF, Bitches!!!

Thursday, April 27, 2006


Sadly, I didn't make it this time around. Perhaps I'll be a random HNT'er. You never know when I'll strike. Though as I was getting ready for work this morning I found a little "inspiration" in a couple of things so at least the ol' gears are turning. Then again, I was also belting out my rendition of Celine Dion's It's All Coming Back To Me Now so chances are pretty good I'm not all with it. Which also brings me to question, why are all the new singers 14 years old? Would Celine be a star in this day and age? Can anyone over the age of 30 make it in the 21st century in the music industry? American Idol had me thinking about that the other day because I really like Taylor Hicks and wonder if because he has gray hair he's already doomed...
Woke up this morning a lot earlier than I needed to so I flipped on MTV to watch some videos as the only time you can actually see music playing on Music Television is when it's still the wee dark hours of the early morning. I think I'm in love with Rihanna. She's really cute, has a rockin' hot bod and plays some catchy tunes that make my booty wiggle. I also really enjoy the new Kelly Clarkson video when everyone is singing along with her... I can't help but see a little bit of myself when I watch it. Panic! At The Disco also surprised me with their video but don't judge them by that song. In my humble opinion, it's one of the weakest ones on the album. And there's nothing scarier than a mime.
Other than that I don't have much to say. Yesterday was quite possibly the longest day of my life. I had to be at work at 7 a.m., stayed 'til 6, then went to school from 7 'til 9. I have an idea, try and teach me Calculus after an 11 hour work day. See how I do. I think the novelty of learning has worn off now that it's the endish of the semester and all I want to do is take my last test and my final and be done with it. To say I adore my professor truly is an understatement but that guy loves math in the craziest way humanly possible. And he wears a fanny pack and only dons blue clothing. I sit next to the nicest girl in class, have for about 15 weeks, and still don't know her name. Is that rude? I liker. I just have this thing with names...
Ok, wow. I'm done. Forget you were ever here.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Humpin' Around

What is there to say about American Idol that someone more perceptive and hilarious than I hasn't said already:
  • Chris Daughtry - And the winner is! Man, oh man does that guy make my mouth water! I never thought a Bryan Adams song would bring out the beast in me.
  • Paris Bennett - I don't like her. Come back in a couple years when your bod catches up with your voice. By then you won't scare me any more.
  • Taylor Hicks - Why were the judges so mean to him? He's so good!
  • Elliot Yamin - Was his performance really that emotional to drive Paula to tears? I think not. Good, yes. Hysterically good? Not so much.
  • Kellie Pickler - She. Is. So. Bad. I don't care if she apologizes. She's a 2-bit hick player.
  • Katharine McPhee - Paula said that back pocket thing again with her. I still don't get it. Someone please explain. She really did eff up trying to tackle Whitney in her prime. Crackhead Whitney and she'd have nailed it.

In other news, Britney Spears appears to have gotten impregnated once again. WTF is wrong with that girl? She'll never be hot again. Never. No more prancing around half naked with a snake. Gone are the days of my lesbian fantasies involving the cover of Esquire magazine and that oh-so-tiny sweater with the white pumps. Oh the things I wanted to do to you when you were a naughty school girl, Brit! It could've been so beautiful. Now, my same-sex crush belongs to the grown-up and sophisticated Catherine Keener. Hell, she was with Dermot Mulroney for YEARS. At least she makes a good decision as far as mates go. And she probably wears shoes when walking into public restrooms. And doesn't survive on Cheetos and Red Bull alone. Or have debilitating acne. Yaaaaaaah. I'm so over you. Oh well, here's to the memories.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

And In This Corner...

...The lean, mean, eating machine: Randi "The Belly" B***h weighing in at the Weight Watcher scale at a whopping 164.2 pounds. I had gained a pound last week and now it has been lost again so I'm still at -13.4 since the get go. Not too shabby but clearly I have to change things up a bit. Perhaps stop eating the leftover Easter candy? Maybe cut back on the carb overload? Who is to say what will work but something has got to give because I only have to lose 1.6 more pounds and I get my little gold star and the knowledge that I'm down 15. Holla.
Met with Perry the trainer again last night. He sure knows how to make me sweat. I had typed "swear" there and that works too. Perhaps the highlight of my session was doing many many jumping jacks in a row and then having to immediately run out of the room and into the bathroom to poop. Better that than fart in front of one of Oxnard's finest men. Talk about embarrassing. Some of the exercises we do are so sexual in nature that I feel like blushing just thinking about it. My thighs at this point could crush a man's head, they are that strong. At one point he rolled two of those big inflatable exercise balls in front of my legs so that the passers-by wouldn't be able to look up my shorts and see my cookie. Excellent.
Oh! And I totally gave my 3-weeks notice here at the Citay. Looks like I couldn't be leaving at a better time because it's the close of our fiscal year and that means packing up files for DAYS. It appears as though we're also going to be changing software programs so I get to miss that too. Such a shame. Also, T-bone (that crazy bayotch that is my sole reason for leaving) doesn't seem to be too happy about my departure. And to that I say, "Boo hoo." It sure feels good to be a short-timer.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Double Feature

On Friday night I had the misfortune of spending an hour and a half being disappointed by the movie American Dreamz. It's too bad, really, because I'd been looking forward to this one. However, as far as satires go, this one was really not up to speed. Especially because Thank You For Smoking was such a good example of the genre. Even though at times it's impossible not to despise Mandy Moore she was actually pretty funny. It's nice to see she's grown out of her pouty phase where she couldn't be photographed unless she was standing with her legs akimbo. But enough about her. Why cast actors of great potential (i.e. Hugh Grant, Jennifer Coolidge, and many more) if you have no intention of tapping their best features? This movie bounced around without giving enough back story to the 4 different story lines that were going on at any given time. Those stories include but aren't limited to: Mandy Moore's relationships with Chris Klein and her "white trash" mother; Hugh Grant's self loathing; a suicide bomber's Americanized Middle-Eastern family (and his hilarious, scene-stealing, flamboyant performer of a cousin); and the President whose every move is being dictated by the V.P. And in case any of you are wondering WTF this movie is about it's an American Idol theme that involves a suicide bombing attempt to take the president's life. Go figure. Best line of the movie goes a little something like this, "Omer, folks don't call me the torturer because I don't like to torture people if you know what I'm saying."

Saturday night I decided to make up for that flop by going to the three-dollar viewing of 16 Blocks because I loves me some Mos Def. It's too bad that in this movie he sounds like a cartoon character but that is beside the point because nothing can take away from his dimples. Bruce Willis's character is a mess and he plays it off like a champ. It's a good cop/bad cop theme that takes place in my favorite locale of Manhattan. At one point I even think I saw the deli I used to get breakfast from when BFF lived in the West Village. This movie, too, was mediocre but at least it had some exciting chase scenes. Whoever wrote this is giving the NYPD a lot of credit for being able to track people in their very crowded and complicated city/subway system so as long as you are able to suspend belief, 16 Blocks is a fun ride but nothing more. At times it is ridiculously cheesy and again I found that there just wasn't enough depth to the characters and their history.
Hopefully I can get back into the swing of being vaguely interesting soon. But this will have to be it for now. Mondays. Blech.

Friday, April 21, 2006

TGIF, Bitching!

Not working today
Talking about a new job
With my future boss
I'm not too nervous
'Cuz it just happens to be
My Dad's company
Monday will be sweet
Giving my 2 weeks notice
Bye, bye City job

Of course, all Haiku Fridays are brought to you by the letters BFF.

And now for another shameless plug, JJ at The Churning is closing out Puke Week and was kind enough to feature my story (that I left as a comment) right there on the front page. Nice. If you get a chance, read this guy's archives because to me he is laugh out loud hilarious.

I guess I should just leave it at that... although one last thing can't hurt. Here at the scale at home I'd been weighing in at about 176 or more when I was in my pre-diet phase. This morning I hopped on that bayotch nekked and it read 161. Hehe. That's all. Hope you have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Size 10 HNT

So these are the jeans I haven't fit into in over a year. Only... wait! They're on me! Yay for 13 pounds down the drain. Can't wait 'til these are falling off. I'll keep you posted.
Happy HNT and for those that keep this day holy, happy Four Twenty!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Krizza Knows Horny

An update after 5 p.m.? The hell you say! Well today was actually a very productive day here at the work place so I didn't have much time to jot down my deep thoughts for the day. I'm sure everyone was devastated. I will try harder.
Last night after work, my friends Oly, Krizza and I went on a wee hike. If by wee I mean 2.6 miles pretty much straight uphill. It was on private military property so right away I was uncomfortable. After about an hour of walking (hey, we're slow, ok? Don't judge us.) we get to the top and are treated to an amazing sunset that seemed to melt into the ocean while turning the sky into a rainbow of beauty (natch, I didn't bring my camera) and even some spry little deer bouncing around on the hillside. This particular hike led us up to some random military buildings that resembled the Epcot Center in Orlando, FL. Considering how long it took us to get there we may have well been in The Sunshine State. I just don't know.
Anyhoo, as delightful as the sunset was, it pretty much left us hiking the return 2.6 miles in complete darkness. Awesome. I kind of freaked out, I'm not going to lie to you. Maybe it's because I am obsessed with Court TV but all I could think of was here we were, three girls walking in the pitch darkness on private property with no flashlights or mace or ID and isn't that the stuff that murders are made of? So I took Oly's keys from her and proceeded to run to the car so I could speed up the going home process. For one mile. On blacktop concrete. Me. Running. Downhill. First of all, thank God I've been going to the gym to have that kind of stamina. Secondly, wow. I didn't know I had that in me.
But we made it home safe and sound so there's really never any need for my hysteric paranoia. Watched American Idol while enjoying some red wine and home made chicken and vegetable soup (yummy, Oly! Way to go Weight Watcher meal!). Here is my take on the contestants and please keep in mind this is only my second viewing ever of the spectacle that is A.I.:

  • Chris Daughtry - He really showed that he's not just a rock star. Damn that guy is fine and he's got some pipes. If I was his wife he'd never speak to me in a normal tone of voice. Only singing. Always. He should win this thing.
  • Paris Bennett - She handled Billie Holiday! Considering she's an infant that is one helluvan accomplishment. I wish she would get her front teeth filed down or perhaps veneers.
  • Taylor Hicks - I would totally buy his album for my dad should he come out w/one.
  • Elliot Yamin - Again with the teeth. Ew. Other than that, great voice. Too bad video killed the radio star if ya namsayin and I think you do. Please do not wear jeans with a jacket. I can't stand it.
  • Kellie Pickler - Airhead. I don't like her. Nor do I like the song she butchered. Say bye bye trailer trash.
  • Ace Young - DAYUM! He looked FINE and chose slacks over jeans. Well played. Also? Great voice. I'm still reeling from the scar reveal a couple weeks ago. I didn't like it.
  • Katharine McPhee - She's pretty, dude. And she can sing. But? Not so mainstream, right? I'm thinking an amazing career on Broadway but Kelly Clarkson she is not.
  • Simon - I want to buy you a new shirt. Please. I don't make a lot of money but I'm willing to buy you something other than a black tee.
  • Paula - I know a great rehab just down the road. Stop interrupting and focus please. I think you said "back pocket token" at one point and I'm upset cuz I don't know what that means.
  • Randy - You're black. Got it. Street. And all that. Please take lessons that teach you how to speak like a grown up.
  • Ryan - You are a douchebag. I can put it no other way.

Why I went from talking about contestants to talking to hosts is really none of your concern. Good day. I said good day.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Not so much. Just gained one pound. Considering the week of careless eating, minimal gym attendance and lack of point counting I have no one to blame but me. However, one pound isn't insurmountable. And if by some miracle I lose 2.6 by next Tuesday I'll be down a whopping 15 pounds. I just need to think of it that way. Baby steps. I'd also like to thank those of you that commented on my pity party post below. It was a sleepy, irritated, sad, frustrated Randi that wrote that post and God-willing she's spent now. I appreciate your words of encouragement so much. Thank you.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Caution: Pity Party Ahead

I've been pretty good about only focusing on the positives as far as my weight loss is concerned on this here blog of mine because I was tired of coming across like a pathetic, boring loser who did nothing but obsess about how fat she was. However, today I hit a low point and I really feel like "talking about it" so here I go. Feel free to stop reading if you must, I won't hold it against you.
So, Perry (my trainer) and I have been kind of missing eachother for the past month. Our schedules haven't aligned, I've been sick, it's just one of those cosmic things. Well I saw him today and can I just tell you I can't remember the last time I was as disappointed in myself? Not only did I feel like a total fat slob, I also felt weak and exhausted. For the first time, I feel defeated. This diet and exercise thing is not only very time consuming but it's tiring as well. And results? Well they're pretty slow coming. Mind you, I just got over this stupid bacterial infection in my throat and am still on antibiotics that are kicking me in the keister but none of that mattered to me. What mattered to me is how bad my muscles hurt, how winded I was and how frustrated I am that I can't just be strong and skinny already.
PMS can't even be blamed. It's just a bad time for me emotionally. Some events have come up with quasi-beau and we will be separated for a little over a month and I'm feeling very sad about that. So how do I quell that sadness? With Almond M&Ms. And anything I can reach that is Cadbury/Easter related. Oh, and with 7-layer Mexican dip and chips and grilled cheese sandwiches with a side of shrimp fried rice. See? That's DISGUSTING!!! WTF have I become? Why am I allowing my hard work to fall by the wayside? My binge eating isn't going to keep him here. It's definitely not going to help me be strong and slim! I am doing myself no favors here.
I think the following picture series is also partly to blame. Here I am 13 pounds lighter so I thought I would take my "after" pictures. Yah... even though I'm a size smaller in clothing it sure hasn't shown up on film (before is on the left, after on the right):

Ok, so silly me I was expecting some drastic results but, um, not so much. So yeah. There you have it. Half-nekked picture of me on the eve of my weigh-in. Here's to hoping it's not as tragic as I think it'll be. Anyway, I don't particularly know why I'm doing this to myself because I am making some serious leaps and bounds but sometimes you feel like a good bitchfest. I'm done. Oh, yeah, but not before apologizing for the nip-shots. My bad.

Random Musings

As I believe I've mentioned before I'm totally into this band called Fallout Boy. Thanks to a free subscription to Rolling Stone I heard about the band Panic! At the Disco who happen to be highly recommended by Fallout Boy. So being the uber-hip chick that I am, all into the underground music scene (yah right) I went to my local Best Buy on Saturday and added it to my quickly growing music collection. I would like to take this opportunity to recommend them to you. It's a quirky sound and the singer resembles a warbling bird. That's really all I can say about that. I also grabbed the new Pink and if you're already a fan you'll dig it but it's not going to make you fall in love with her.

This weekend was a bit of a bust. Didn't do much other than spend loads of money like I had it. Got a pair of Lacoste sneakers, a White/Black cocktail dress (size 10!) and a lovely little ring on top of my CD purchases. It's nice that I think I'm wealthy. Easter itself was very low key, just dinner with the family. In the spirit of my missing egg hunt I went around the yard and collected the garden snails that have infiltrated our home. Then I murdered them. All in the name of Jesus.

Kind of made a resolution to cut back on the swear words after my quasi-beau called me out on how much I cuss. I've been thinking about it for a while but actually am taking steps now to correct it. Not that there's anything wrong with dropping an F-bomb every now and then but to have it punctuate every sentence leads one to believe I'm an ignorant slob with a limited vocabulary. Plus, I'm in the process of changing professions here in a bit and would hate to go into the new place with a potty mouth and have them think I'm some kind of sailor. And I would rather be a freak in the sheets and a lady on the streets. Holla atcha, grrl. Happy Monday.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Good Friday

But what Friday isn't good? There's a point for you to ponder all day. For those of you interested in brushing up on your religious studies as far as Good Friday is concerned, go here and be grateful I didn't link you to this one. So, what this all means to me, is that Easter is 2 days away.
In Easters past, really up to a few years ago, my family and I used to participate in some wicked competitive egg hunts. Each year a different member of our family was chosen to hide See's eggs that are tiny, foil wrapped pieces of confectionery heaven. One would be wrapped in tin foil to be a little bigger and that would be the grand prize egg. Then the person that had the most eggs would win a runner-up prize and the one with the least would get the booby prize. Inevitably, my dad would get the least and most times I won at least one of the big prizes. Mind, you the youngest person in my family is currently 24 so we're talking about a bunch of grown ass people practically fighting to the death over itty bitty chocolate eggs. But when my grandparents got to be near their 80s all that fun came to a screeching halt. Now, with peanut (my still undetermined niece/nephew) on the way, I see the rebirth of the egg hunt and I'm just tickled pink about it. And if you all aren't on the edge of your seat fascinated by that little tale, then there is something very wrong with you.
So, that was my best blog effort and I wanted to wish you all a happy one if you celebrate the bunny or the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. Or something. And, of course, TGIF, bitches.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Guest HNT

Decided to skip a week to get a hold of my lost photographic creativity but if you're jonesing for flesh, may I take this opportunity to direct you to the hottie that is my homie Macca? He swears it's not an HNT because he posted it on a Wednesday but I'll let you be the judge.

I watched Four Weddings and a Funeral last night on On Demand and while I'm clearly 12 years late it was still worth a watch. Andie MacDowell was quite the cock tease, Hugh Grant was an infant and of course the movie was hilarious because it was chock full of Brits. If anyone can get me a copy of the speech made at the funeral, I would kiss you square on the mouth. I'd like to tuck it away for BFF to read as my eulogy.

Other than that, it's just the same shit, different day. I actually made it to work on time. So that's huge. Yah... I'll try again later. Ciao for now.

UPDATE!!! I will be kissing myself square on the mouth for finding the quote. On IMDB. Where I linked you all. Ok, I'm retarded. Here goes:

As for me, you may ask how I'll remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately there I don't have words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W.H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin... let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message: He is Dead. Put crepe bows 'round the necks of public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black, cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East, my West. My working week and my Sunday rest. My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song, I thought love would last forever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now, put out every one. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun. Pour out the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good."

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Important News!

Today marks exactly 1 month until I turn the big two-nine. That's right. It's the end of my 20s. I'm sure you are all very excited to celebrate the monumentous (is that even a word?) occasion that is the anniversary of my entrance in to this big old world of ours. May 12th. Cash and gift certificates will be accepted. Perhaps I'll do like I've seen other bloggers do and create a wee wish list on amazon? Now that's cookin' with gas!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

New Booty

Starting Weight: 177.6
Week 18: 164.2
Total Lost: 13.4

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about the whole weight loss program. Finally made it back to the gym last night. I'd been putting off going because I've been a bit under the weather but I see now I'm not going to be getting better any time soon so to the gym for me it is. I have some kind of bacterial infection in my throat (awesome!) that is highly resistant to antibiotics. I'm now on week three and my third different type. Cipro? Apparently it's very strong. It's also making me vomit and have diarrhea. And maybe insomnia but I'm not sure if its the drugs or my life to blame for that one. I'm sure the internet really needed to know that but I need to give credit where credit is due. If it wasn't for the antibiotics I probably wouldn't have lost 3.2 pounds last week. Oh, man do I have so much more on my mind than this but I'm not sure this is the time or the place. Hang in there, though. I promise to be more interesting sooncome.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Talk About Neglect!

I guess if I don't throw at least a little something up here today I'll be accused of hating my blog. But I don't, honest. Just been really busy actually doing stuff if you can believe it. I'm sure a stalker will read this and call me out on doing things but whatever. My stories are just too good to keep to myself rather than run the risk of hurting someone's feelers.
On Thursday night I headed out to Madison's on State Street in Santa Barbara. It was me (the lone white girl) and 4 Mexican dudes, one being my new quasi-beau. I want you to picture us driving in a Cadillac Escalade listening to Snoop Dogg and DJ Quick while 3 men downed 40s in the back seat. Now you tell me which one of those was not like the others. We were out 'til the wee dark early hours of Friday morning, dancing our asses off, avoiding confrontations and enjoying all around drunken debauchery. One of my compadres even got so wasted he fell into a bush and pissed on his own shoes. The other, a boxer, got so wasted he decided he was going to hit on every lady with a man's arm around her shoulder. Just to be cute. But what made me laugh more than anything was how each of my quasi-beau's friends kept calling me his "girl" or "lady" and they wouldn't dance with me because they couldn't "disrespect their boy." So ridiculous.
On Friday I can't say anything particularly fascinating occurred though I did get some cool 3M Winnie the Pooh Tattoo bandages to cover the aftermath of my run-in with the blow drier... Saturday was the Kings game. They were beaten by the Ducks of Anaheim of all teams. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so lame because as we all know there's nothing tougher than a Duck. Looks like they'll be out of the playoffs now for sure. Oh well, it was a fun ride.
Let's see, oh yes! Yesterday was awesome. My thumb nail finally fell off... but that's not so cool. What is cool is that I went shopping ALL DAY yesterday and walked away with some new, small clothes! I'm now the proud owner of 5 new pairs of size 10 pants and 2 new medium size tops. I purged the hell out of my closet and will be having a sizes 12 & large bonfire in my yard. Don't forget to bring your weenies and marshmallows for a roasting!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

New HairNT

Nothin' sexy for today unless you count the red highlights.
Trying to be a little punk rock while working for the man.
Happy HNT!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Like Kathie Lee Needs Regis

That's how I need Jesus. This is seriously me at work... I think I've been spied on and someone thought I was so hilarious they needed to develop a forward in my honor.


1. When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning"
to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"
...You need to pray at work.

2. When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes,"
and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?".....
You need to pray at work.

3. When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say,
"which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?".....
You need to pray at work.

4. When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes
in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him......
You need to pray at work.

5. When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that
crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to
hide underneath your desk.... You need to pray at work.

6. When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and
the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".
.. You need to pray at work.

7. When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who
stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one
floor, and you say "that lazy b*&%$#"...... You need to pray at work.

8. When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you
think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.

9. If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching,
slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with......
You need to pray at work.

10. If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story .......
You need to pray at work.

11. If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....
You need to pray at work!


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Look At All These Rumors

Picture this scenario as created by BFF: I'm Phoebe Cates, I work in the mall and this is Fast Times At Ridgemont High. For the first time in as long as I can remember the office rumor mill has affected my personal life. Sure, in high school BFF and I kicked it so much that a rumor was actually started that we were lesbians but that was ok. You know why? Because BFF and I knew it was a lie. Apparently, here at the Citay I have developed a little bit of a reputation of being a whore. Perhaps it's because I'm younger and prettier than most of the other wimmins that work here. Perhaps it's because I'm happy and flirtatious. Who can say?
First the mailroom guy was telling peeps that I had a man (which I haven't had my entire employment here), then someone in police said I was actually with the mailroom guy and now the latest rumor. First the truth: I am sort of dating someone that comes into my place of business. Not a co-worker but an outside regular. One day we took a break together and shared an ice cream. Apparently another Citay employee saw us and put two and two together to come to the conclusion that we are dating. Now the rumor: He then took it upon himself to warn my new playmate that I'm scandalous. Apparently, and this is all news to me, I stalked one of the workers and refused to let it go even though I found out he had a lady. Even going so far as to say it didn't matter. Truth? Said employee is 23 years old, I thought he was cute and that's as far as it ever went. Though his supervisor did try to play cupid a little to hard core until I finally had to send the dude a clarifying email that I only thought he was good looking but the rest of the shit was out of control. To which he replied, "Cool." The End.
I guess I'm wondering a couple things here. How do a bunch of grown ass people decide to tell some ridiculous lies? How does this rumor affect my professional reputation as this is set in my place of employment? After hearing 3 separate rumors on what a ho I am, how does this make my new prospect feel? I guess this is the reason I've been single for over a year now. I can't stand the damn drama.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Real World

I feel like I should be sitting in one of those confessional booths they have on reality programming, looking into a camera and venting. Seems of late all I've really talked about on this little blog of mine has been books and movies. Where did Randi go? What's she been up to? Truth be told, I couldn't tell you. I can say for certainty that what I've been doing hasn't been very interesting. My math professor has decided to show our class just how smart he is towards the end of the semester and for the first time in a while I'm starting to doubt my ability to grasp this stuff. Exponential growth and decay? I don't even know what that is! And the sad thing about it is that this is probably some really easy shit that I have made far more difficult than it actually is. Fucking word problems. Added to my PMS it's just all bad.
Also? I've been a bit of an emotional wreck. It's as if I looked in the mirror one day last week and forgot that I was an assertive and independent woman. I started trippin' on whether they boy I'm talking to would call me and blah blah blah. I was a bit of a sicky face and couldn't go to the gym for like 5 days. And even though I was on antibiotics, I still went against the doctor's wishes and drank. Like 4 days in a row. Weight Watchers? Well, let's just say that shit was easily forgotten.
But it hasn't been all bad. Said boy did call, we did hang out and all that nonsense was just that. Nonsense. Idle hands are the devil's workshop so you can only imagine what an idle mind will invite. My math? Well the homework's done so I can at least claim that much. My weight? Well it's not all bad. The antibiotics/alcohol cocktail I mixed up allowed me to "flush" my system, if you will, so my size 10 slim fit Calvins slid on without any trouble. And my other size 10 Gap jeans that I heart so much? Well those got on but a little hoppin' and squeezin' was involved. Most importantly, though, the bitches zipped up AND buttoned. Holla!
Because of the aforementioned events I'm going to try and do the following to take up my time and make me a little less of a basket case:
  • Go to the gym after work rather than wait for the phone to ring.
  • Do my homework during my downtime here in la oficina rather than look at myspace and allow my insecurities to rage out of control.
  • Focus on my points. If I do this I should easily lose those pesky 7 pounds to reach my 10% and be in my Gap jeans by my birthday (May 12th in case you're marking your calendar).
  • Enroll in a ridiculously time consuming summer Spanish class that meets Monday through Thursday from 6:30-9:30 p.m. (that I will have to rush to after I get off work at 6) as a wee little refresher for my upcoming enrollment in CSUCI as a Spanish major. Not only will my skills improve, but I will have ZERO time to focus on anything other than bettering myself.
  • Look in that mirror of mine and remind myself that I'm one fly bitch and I don't need no stinking man to make me feel that way.

That is all. I hope you have had a lovely Monday.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Book Report

I guess if you've been reading my blog for a while now you've figured out if I'm not watching a movie there is probably a book in my hands. Unfortunately, after many years of being an avid (read: obsessive) reader, it's gotten to the point that I devour 25 dollar, 470 page hardcovers in a matter of a couple days, if not hours. Perhaps I should look into acquiring a library card hmm? My last digestion was A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. Memoirs have been a favorite genre of mine for the past few books now. There's something in reading about the lives of others that tends to get me thinking about my own life and inspires me to change it up a bit.
So here's a brief synapsis of Cupcake's life:
This girl at the age of 11 finds her mother dead in their apartment, she's torn from the only family she knows thanks a flawed legal system, ends up in foster care, gets raped, turns to prostitution, joins a gang, and all the while she is an alcoholic drug addict. Her story would be completely unbelievable if she wasn't so nonchalant about it all. Her corruption almost reads like a step-by-step manual. They're facts and she's not preachy about any of it in the least. And dammit if it isn't the craziest life you'll ever read about told in a casual tone with a hilarious sense of humor. But the best part about her story is that the woman has a happy ending: she's a lawyer now. You may very well be wondering what separates her story from James Frey's recovery memoir A Million Little Pieces. The difference is Cupcake struggled, worked hard and never claimed to have done any of it on her own or the easy way.
There's no way I can compare my very privileged childhood to what Cupcake went through but I can say that her struggles are universal (fear of being alone, insecurity, addiction, doubt, trying to get by) and the wisdom they have granted her spoke to me. She isn't trying to be someone she's not, she's just trying to be the best she can be. As far as I'm concerned, she has succeeded.