It's all about me...

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Unless you've been living under a rock for at least the past year, you've probably heard about the website "Myspace." It's Friendster's red-headed stepchild or bastard cousin (apologies go out to anyone who is indeed a red-headed stepchild or has a bastard cousin). BFF introduced me to it some time ago and I went ahead and put up my profile and let the world know my likes and dislikes. And, to quote Tommy Boy, that's when the whores came in. I had no idea what a meat market that place is! It's on par with the personal ads on craigslist. Shocking. Well, e-mails like "I am very oral" and "U R hot" only go so far in my book so my interest in the site slowly dwindled. Then came the social stalking adventure that was my high school reunion and what do you know! There is an alumni search right on there and I found around a dozen people I graduated with. Silver linings, people, that's all I'm saying. So recently, post-reunion, I got a message from a friend of mine I've known since 1st grade saying "Hey, loser, I see you're online. Well I'm a loser, too I guess." Yeah, dude, we're both losers. Know why? Because we live in the same town, mere minutes away from actually visiting in person, and instead we look at pictures of one another on a website and call eachother Friend.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


We've all been guilty of this at one time or another: Too Much Information. Once my dad had a bad case of TMI and told me that "after all these years, your mother still turns me on." Wow. I know for a fact that if you speak to me on a regular basis, you too would accuse me of TMI. And you'd be right. What's all of this leading up to you ask? Well, you asked for it. For the majority of my life I have suffered from anxiety. It's a buzz word of late but it's something I've lived with since I was a child. One of the ways I "deal" with said anxiety is by scratching. I know. Gross. So I don't just sit and mindlessly itch, I actually break my skin. When I was in grade school a girlfriend of mine once drew a picture of me in my uniform skirt. The boy I was enamored with at the time asked to see it and began drawing little specks on my legs. When we asked him if he was artistically interpreting my hairiness he replied, "No those are the scabs." Humiliated much? When I had my first overnight boyfriend he used to wake me up because in a dead sleep I would be sitting up in my bed scratching my legs. Ew. That went on until I realized that if I had those pretty fake nails on my hands, I wouldn't be able to break the surface of my skin which translates to no more scabs and scars. So I have them on now and they are not just so I have gorgeous hands, although if you're wondering, I do. Well, last night I woke up because I was having an "episode" and was scratching at my legs so hard that I was literally out of breath and sweating. I know, right? And all I could think of was, "Wow if I didn't have these nails on I would probably be covered in blood and would have amputated the only things that keep me walking." The sad thing is, I have no reason to be stressed to even justify that. And there you have it. Your TMI for the day.

Monday, August 29, 2005

The 40-Year Old Virgin

I have a habit of saying that certain movies are the funniest movies I've ever seen. It probably diminishes my credibility but what's a girl to do? After seeing The 40-Year Old Virgin, however, I can say the aforementioned statement without a doubt. By the time the movie was over I was short of breath and had a headache because I laughed that hard. Steve Carrell used to be the main reason I tuned into The Daily Show on a regular basis. He had a naivete that appealed to me, not to mention the ability to utter knee-slapping hilarity. When he stole the show in Anchorman as the semi-retarded weatherman Brick Tamlund, my admiration grew deeper. Virgin isn't all laughs, though. You care about Andy's plight. You can relate to his co-workers that want to get him laid because you have friends like that, too. And you can't deny it. So while you won't be able to breathe through most of this film and you'll likely miss half the dialogue because you can't hear it over the roaring laughter, go to your local cineplex, pay the $10 and laugh your ass off. If I could offer you a money back guarantee, I would.

Monday, August 22, 2005

A Case of The Mondays

I love Office Space for introducing me to the line I use nearly every Monday. There is nothing like starting off your work week by getting X-rays first thing in the morning. After going to the doctor's for another 2 hours on Saturday, still no one is able to tell me what is causing this pain in my back and/or side (depending on the hour). It may or may not be kidney stones and may or may not be some sort of muscular/spinal problem causing spasms. Yay. This weekend was pretty much a bust. Not only was I doped up on Vicodin and lying in bed for most of it but to add the cherry on top I also found out that the boy here at work that has me enamored probably has a girlfriend and a child. It's a shame because I enjoy having a crush on and/or stalking someone so if you know anyone that would like to apply for the position, please have them drop me a line.
On a completely different note: Last night my friend David and I went up to the Camp that formerly employed me for a little song and dance thang. While we were waiting for it to start, we stood witness to a real live food fight. I've heard of things like this happening but thought they were the lore of movies and urban legend. I found it to be truly hilarious but the director was appalled. Nothing like that had happened since the summer of '87. How ridiculous to know by memory the very year the last food fight occurred. To me, laugh it off, punish the kids by putting them on clean up duty and have a funny memory. I guess this camp has no sense of humor. In the beginning of the summer the kids were reading Harry Potter like the rest of the known world and when the older kids finished the book first they pulled a prank on the younguns by writing "Snape Killed Dumbledore" all over the place with chalk. Hehe. I would've been pissed but you have to give 'em a hand for being clever.
Anyway this blog was all over the place but I just wanted to post to say I did. Well there you go. I did.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Beauty of Heredity

"You must get that from me." This is a line so commonly tossed about in my family that I would almost be led to believe that I am not an individual human being, merely a collection of tossed off parts from every relative. It has become a joke between my uncle and me because almost anything we tell my Grandma, from not liking chocolate chips, liking a hot piece of fish and a cold beer or vomiting after eating reheated beef, she claims responsibility for it. For my Women's Health class we did a family tree o' disease and/or bodily malfunction and it would seem that every bad trait that could be passed down seemed to have landed in my DNA. No matter when I mention an ailment, someone can stake claim to it. Snoring? You get that from your father. Hypothyroid? You get that from your Grandma. Pain in my side that may or not be kidney stones? Well I got that from my mom. So it's off to the doctor in a few to see what the deal is but I'm currently under mild distress due to a shooting pain that literally robs me of my breath and goes from the right side of my back to what I can only imagine is my bursting ovary. Ah the joys of getting older and turning into your parents.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Respect Your Elders

I never really knew what that phrase meant until I started my Biology class last night. While I certainly wasn't the oldest person in my lecture class, the lab was a completely different story. To put it in perspective, my lab "partner" graduated from high school only a few months ago. I'm using the term "partner" loosely because not one person voluntarily took the chair next to mine. She only worked with me because I turned around and made her. Perhaps my professional attire frightened the other students. Maybe it's because I didn't tie my work blouse in a knot to make it a half shirt, the better to expose my belly button ring and tattoos. Let the kids know I'm hip to their style. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before but I'm math illiterate, self-diagnosed with number dyslexia (good thing I'm in Accounts Payable right?) so when it came to converting millimeters into centimeters, I can honestly say I got mixed up. Add to that the fact I haven't done this stuff in 10 years and Houston, we have a problem. Seeing as I needed help and wasn't ashamed to show it, I asked a young man who couldn't have been more than 19 how to multiply the measurements. He literally told me to count the lines on the ruler. Wow. Thank you for not only not helping me but for making me feel like a complete retard in the process. Then another boy his age actually did show me the way only to give me "daps" when I tried to say thanks. You know, the fist-to-fist sort of pounding handshake... yah. I'm too old for this shit.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Dog Sitting

Since my beloved dog, Tippi, died about 8 years ago I have been fantasizing about getting another dog. I truly believed that my happiness was dependent upon it. After dog sitting for the last few days, however, I have decided that not only do I not want a dog, I really don't think children are a good idea either. It has come to my attention that I don't like to be bothered or depended upon. I'm too needy to be needed like that. I value undisturbed sleep and when sleeping with an 11-month old Labrador Retriever that is the same size as I am, sleep doesn't come easy. There's the incessant movement and barking, of course, and the risk of being licked in the face in the middle of the night. And don't think throwing the dog out of the room and into the hallway will solve your problems. Oh no. If you do that, you'll end up in your socks the next morning stepping in a pee-soaked carpet because she's punishing you for wanting to sleep. Mind you, I was in those very socks getting ready to take her for a walk at 5:30 this morning. Then there's the honored position I held of pooper scooper. Nothing like picking up a hot pile of poo before dawn after soaking up urine with paper towels prior to leaving the house. Dressed for work? Well you can count on being jumped on with muddy paws. Want to read the morning paper? Too bad! The dog has ripped it to shreds while doing you the favor of bringing it to the door. So the next time you see that puppy in the window and wonder how much, remember that there's a lot more than that cute face to be reckoned with.

Monday, August 15, 2005

100 Random Things About Me

I stole this idea from other blogs and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
1. I'm a Taurus.
2. I treat my birthday as a holiday.
3. I read horoscopes daily.
4. I also believe them for the most part.
5. I tell people I'm 30 when really I'm not.
6. I'm single.
7. My longest relationship lasted 5 years.
8. I've been dumped more than I've dumped.
9. Big fan of sex.
10. Bigger fan of making out.
11. Love to cuddle.
12. I've gained 20 lbs. since graduating high school.
13. Am looking to lose those pounds again.
14. I enjoy yoga.
15. I like spinning class.
16. I speak Spanish.
17. But I'm not bilingual.
18. I'm one class away from an Associate's degree.
19. I would really like to work for the Police Department.
20. My favorite color is blue.
21. Favorite drink is Beer.
22. Favorite wine is Riesling.
23. I love burritos.
24. And pizza.
25. I only smoke when I drink with friends.
26. I drink with friends often.
27. I have a mystery scar on my stomach.
28. I have my belly button pierced.
29. I got that done the day after I graduated high school.
30. I graduated 10 years ago.
31. I planned and executed my 10-year high school reunion.
32. I would not do that again.
33. I have had a crush on one of my closest friends since the 1st grade.
34. I got my first kiss when I was 15.
35. I lost my virginity after I graduated high school.
36. I have four tattoos.
37. I regret one of them.
38. I don't plan on moving away from Southern California.
39. One of the reasons why is my obsession with the Los Angeles Dodgers.
40. I collect miniature monuments.
41. I obsessively buy CDs.
42. Jesus paraphernalia makes me laugh.
43. My favorite city is Manhattan.
44. San Francisco is probably my 2nd favorite city.
45. I have one younger brother.
46. My older brother died of cancer before I was born.
47. I'm proud of my parents for remaining married.
48. I still miss my dog even though she died like 8 years ago.
49. I love animals.
50. I'm scared of birds.
51. I have cheated on boyfriends.
52. I let people take advantage of me more than I care to admit.
53. I'm a pushover.
54. I'm a very loyal friend.
55. I suffer from serious road rage.
56. Actually, I suffer from rage in general.
57. I'm pretty good at making my friends laugh.
58. I can bake a pretty mean cookie.
59. I don't really know how to cook per se.
60. I love ice cream.
61. I went to private Catholic school for 12 years.
62. I haven't been to Church in ages.
63. I can flip my eyelids.
64. I used to wear braces but my bottom teeth are still crooked.
65. I've never broken a bone.
66. I've had stitches twice in my life.
67. I lived in L.A. for 8 years.
68. One of my roommates used to shoot porn in our living room.
69. I was a babysitter for 15 years.
70. I'm only 28.
71. I live in Oxnard.
72. With my parents.
73. I have not smoked pot in almost 8 months.
74. I have tried hallucinogens.
75. Never tried methamphetamines.
76. I have kissed a girl.
77. I have had a lapdance.
78. I've never had a one night stand.
79. I have had sex with people and not known their last name.
80. I've had somewhere in the area of a dozen jobs since the age of 17.
81. I've been out of the country three times: Australia, Mexico and Canada.
82. I made it to state quals in high school on the Speech team.
83. I will not eat bologna.
84. I am double jointed in my left thumb only.
85. My toes resemble fingers.
86. I wear a size 10 shoe.
87. I work in accounts payable.
88. I can't pass a math class to save my life.
89. I retain useless information very well.
90. My worst habit is picking my nose.
91. I sing in the shower.
92. I can't hold a tune.
93. I am CPR and First Aid certified.
94. My blood is Type O Negative.
95. I'm STD free.
96. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.
97. I need to go to the gym more.
98. I think Mexican men are sexy.
99. I only dance if I've been drinking.
100. I know karate.

The Return of the Ex(s)

What is it about me and keeping in touch with my exboyfriends? Last week I had the pleasure of getting an email from my ex who I dated for 5 years. Our relationship ended over 3 years ago after he cheated on me and dumped me on Valentine's Day. I'm not bitter anymore, just stating the facts. Within a year of our breakup he was married and had a son (note: this is not the first of my exes to do this) who he consistently tells me he would like me to meet. I have to wonder what the reasoning behind his emails are... is he checking up on me? Is he regretting the fact that we parted? It would seem to me that being married and a father would pretty much keep him from wanting to get together but this last time he asked me to meet him for dinner. Truly, I can't imagine seeing my ex while he was married. It's too homewrecker for me.
The next day while at the Fair with my Granule I happened to glance up and there was my most recent ex with his girlfriend. I guess if I wasn't single it wouldn't burn so much but there she was. She was not very attractive, quite a mess really, and, from what I hear, has zero personality. I told BFF it does little for my self esteem to know he left me for someone who is subpar and she reassured me that all they do is get drunk and fight seeing as she is a bartender and he is an alcoholic. She always knows just the right thing to say to me.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Wedding Crashers

We had to tell my friend not to bring his 6-year old son to this movie solely based on an article in Entertainment Weekly that stated it was the film that was going to revive the genre of Porky's. After seeing it for myself last night, I'm glad we gave him that advice seeing as the opening credits basically consist of boob shots. Basically, Wedding Crashers is all about how to get laid. And talking about getting laid. And getting laid. Laid. That's a funny word to repeat over and over. But I digress. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson have great chemistry - a fast talker and a laid back dude. Haha. I said laid again. There's very little to tell about this movie other than it is funny. Real funny. Isla Fisher (red head playing Vaughn's "girlfriend") is a continuous scene stealer as a psychotic nympho. Keep your eyes open for the dinner scene. Classic. Christopher Walken, per uzh, is a pimp without even doing anything particularly worth noting. Jane Seymour plays a frisky mom who convinces Wilson to feel her up. Hello, Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman! And, last but not least, just when you thought it couldn't get any funnier, the big screen is graced with the presence of my hero: Mr. Will Ferrell. While I'm not going to tell you to spend $9.50 to see it in the theater, I would definitely say it's worth your time.

'Twas the night before...

... my flippin' ten-year reunion. Yes, I foolishly took on the task of getting in touch with people I haven't had contact with since 1995 and invited them all to a dinner party that will allegedly serve as our reunion. And I pretty much did it alone. Sans committee if you will. Would I do it again? Well as of the day before, my answer is a definitive "NO." What I have learned is that people do not RSVP unless continually browbeaten into doing so and the idea of pre-paying for something is one that has completely gone over the heads of people in the 27-28 year age group. How I've not blogged about this prior to today is beyond me as it has become an insanely time-consuming side job since the planning stages began sometime in February. BFF thinks I'm going to have a coronary. My "therapist" (who I've seen twice) thinks I'm a fool for putting myself on the line. I, however, believed, and in some ways still believe, a reunion would be fun. I also am firmly committed to the idea that a reunion is like a prom or a first date. It's a milestone and everyone should be entitled to one. So while there are the naysayers out there that continue to bash the idea of seeing someone they loathed in high school, there are definitely the select few that are very disappointed that their school has nothing coordinated. There are still those that want to touch base with people that were a huge part of "growing up." I say let go of the drama of the past and embrace that idea of community and nostalgia. And with that I will leave you with what has become my new mantra: It's going to be great.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

La Clase De Espanol

Recently I had the experience of returning to school after about a 6-year hiatus by enrolling in the Spring 2005 semester at Ventura Community College. I eased back into the scholarly life by taking a women's health class, scored an A and the enthusiasm for education returned to me. Summer school wasn't an option but I did decide to take a 3-week course called Survival Spanish to see if I could revive the bilingual in me. I also wanted to slowly adjust my body clock to the idea of attending classes in the evening again since I start a vicious Biology class in a couple weeks that consists of 4.5 hours on Tuesdays and 1.5 hours on Thursdays. Yikes! This most recent class instilled in me a feeling of superiority that I feel a bit ashamed of. True, I've had several years of experience with Spanish classes and have dated boys who had family members that spoke English as a second language so I've probably had more practice, but I think I've also been blessed with the gift of mimicry. It shocked me that the professor would speak a word to be repeated and the students would massacre the very word he had just uttered. Their sense of retention was all but missing. And so not only have I learned more Spanish, I've also learned that I'm a darn good student on top of it. Teacher's pet if you will. After my class the professor even hinted at wanting to visit me outside of class... then again, I'm not sure exactly what that means.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

My Body Is A Temple

Last night I finally crawled out of my movie-viewing hole and watched Supersize Me, a terribly informative documentary about Morgan Spurlock's mission to consume nothing but food purchased from McDonald's menus for one month to prove that fast food chains are responsible for obesity in America. While I'm not one to use the word "never," I seriously can't imagine dining at the golden arches ever again, especially after seeing him vomit out of his car after his 20-minute consumption of his 2nd meal on the 1st day. During that month of fast food overdose, he gained 25 pounds, something like 7% more body fat, his cholesterol levels were through the roof and he managed to nearly destroy his liver. When you see what fast food can do to your body it is truly an epiphany. It's so easy to gain weight but the struggle that comes along with losing is close to impossible. Why risk illness and poor health for a tasty treat? Spurlock was actually depressed when not eating and by the time he was through with his meal he was practically elated. He had become addicted which posed a question in the documentary: why is it ok to publicly ostracize a smoker for putting their health at risk but no one tells an obese person to stop eating? This documentary really makes you want to make changes in your life by eating better and exercising more. After all, we only have one body to last us maybe 100 years... we better treat it well right?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

What To Do!

I am faced with a dilemma of grandiose proportions. As you may have concluded from my months of blogging, I am, brace yourselves, single at age 28. I've been on a date or 2 lately, met some nice men but alas there has been no love connection. It seems my mind is on someone else. And the worst thing about that is I work with him. My days are spent anticipating his visits to the office. It's become a challenge to initiate conversation with him that goes beyond two sentences. These feelings of mine are practically on par with a schoolgirl's crush. The sight of him brings a flush to my cheeks and prompts the arrival of butterflies in my stomach. To top it off, my coworkers have somewhat brought to his attention via subtle hinting that I am interested in him. Then, yesteray, I found out he is 5 years my junior and I'm not sure what to do with that information. Do I really want to pursue someone who may not have the same intentions of a serious relationship as I do? I'm at a stage now where marriage is a serious consideration not just some thought that flutters through my mind. And BFF got me wondering how does one go about dating a coworker? So there it is. Guide me if you will.